Remember that game, never have I ever? You know, the one where someone names a ridiculous thing they’ve done in their past and if you have committed that act, you put a finger up? I think in my time it was called 10 fingers. First one to get to ten was the loser. Or was it the winner? So for example, “Never have I ever peed my pants after sneezing.” If you’ve given birth you’re silently chuckling because you know what I am talking about.
So how about we play a little version of our own. I like to call it the, never have I ever game, for moms. I’ll tell you about 10 ridiculous things I’ve done as a hot mess mom and you see how many of those ridiculous things you have done as well. You get all ten and I think we were meant to be soul mates.
- Never have I ever wiped known or unknown substances on my pants, shirt, or on the inside of my kid’s sock instead of washing my hands. This includes but is not limited to: food, spit, spit-up, crumbs, snot, boogers, pee, and poop. Don’t lie to yourself. Everyone has had that one moment where a microscopic particle of doo doo has touched their hand while changing a diaper and been in such a hurry that they just wipe their hand extra hard on a baby wipe. If you have never done this, again, you’re not trying hard enough. I get it, it’s gross. But sometimes as a mom you have to make choices when exerting your energy. Wash hand. Or pour glass of wine.
- Never have I ever gone to the bathroom with an audience. And by audience I mean two toddlers who insist on sitting ON the floor in front of me or literally on my lap while asking me a million questions about why I’m on the potty and if I’m being a big girl. Just shut the door and lock them out you say? Well, I’d rather have a toddler asking me if it was a big poo poo or a little poo poo as opposed to having chubby little hands push themselves under the door while they scream at a decibel that leaves my ears bleeding. And no, having a spouse home does not mean you get solo bathroom time. If anything, it’s worse. Because when mom is home, no one else is capable of doing anything. To add to this one, never have I ever pooped and/or peed with my toddlers strapped to my chest in their forward facing baby carrier. I mean, I actually think those things were designed to give moms the freedom of using both hands in the restroom, while also keeping their little one’s hands away from all things gross in a public restroom. If my four year old could fit in one still, I’d put him in it.
- Never have I ever used bribery, even when my kids didn’t deserve it. Popsicles, candy, trips to the park, toys. You name it, I’ve promised it to get my kids to do one of the following: sit still in a restaraunt, stop screaming long enough for me to get out of Target without CPS getting called, clean their room, take a bath…the list goes on. I’m sorry if you believe I am teaching them about getting something without working for it. By the time they’re 25 and they don’t get an otter pop for cleaning their bathroom, they’ll be somebody else’s problem.
- Never have I ever lied about my kids age to get them into something for free. I feel like this one is self explanatory. However, when your 4 year old is wearing size 12.5 shoes and is in the 98th percentile for height, the jig is up.
- Never have I ever gone through a drive-through for dinner…more than 3 times in one week. Jack in the box baaaaaaaaby. And yes, I have seen every documentary on GMO’s, obesity, and processed foods but sometimes one must make hard choices when it comes to their sanity.
- Never have I ever used pure fear to scare the bejesus out of my kid. “If you go in the pool without me, you’ll drown.” “Do that one more time and you’re going to crack your head wide open.” “If you keep jumping on the bed we will have to go to the doctor and you’ll have to get the biggest shot ever.” See how this works? You get an extra point if you got gratification by inducing said fear.
- Never have I ever continued watching a children’s show long after they quit watching it. I mean, I don’t know about you but if I don’t find out what happens to Barbie’s pop-up boutique, I can’t sleep at night. What’s even worse is when you can’t stop watching the creepy ones. I swear they’re brainwashing our kids. Short little tubby characters who speak a random language and live on some alien planet? That’s just not ok. Yet I can’t seem to turn it off.
- Never have I ever intentionally “lost” a toy or annoying toddler CD. Think Despacito is getting old? Try watching Moana 47 times in one day or getting into your car and having “Let it Go” blare through your speakers. Emily once had one of those Kidz Bop CD’s. You know, the ones where 4 year olds are singing crap like All the Single Ladies. Yeah well that CD got too many “scratches” so it wouldn’t play anymore. AKA mom and dad had a punting contest one night on the asphalt. And to all of you who get presents for our kids that sing, hum, jingle, or ring. We may be smiling on the outside but in our heads, we’re planning on how it can somehow magically stop working.
- Never have I ever put on a TV show so I could get busy with my husband. You know how earlier I said I would rather have an audience in the bathroom than listen to my children scream? Yeah, this does not apply here. Because that would probably leave long term damage. I remember thinking my friends were crazy when they said that after having kids, they were just too exhausted for the deed. People. The exhaustion is REAL. However, when the time is finally right, guess whose toddlers want to be stage five clingers? So yes, I have put a TV show on and handed over every snack imaginable to keep them occupied. For at least a good 5 minutes while mommy and daddy “plan your birthday party.”
- And finally, never have I ever “mom shamed” someone in my head for doing something I would nevvvvvver do, only to do exactly that, once I had kids…Oh and justify it every step of the way. I’ll be the first to admit this. Letting kids sleep in my bed (see featured image), giving them formula, feeding them snacks instead of real meals, letting them have more than 5 minutes of technology time. I’m sure there are lots more. But you live and learn, then you crack open that box of pre-packaged crackers and you concede defeat.
There you go. Ten reasons why I won’t be winning any mother of the year awards. But my little humans have made it to 12, 4, and 2 so I can’t be that bad. Shout it out if you got all ten. We’ll meet up this weekend for champagne and tacos to celebrate. I promise I’ll wash my hands…