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Sh*t Nobody Tells You About Having a Toddler

Okay this is a purely judgment-free zone. Anything that will be said, read or written by me {with friends input} will not be held against anyone, deal? Let’s get down to business – there’s a lot of sh*t no one tells you about having a toddler. If you think having a baby is hard, a toddler will test your physical, emotional and mental psyche, so I figured it’s better to know 100% what you are walking into versus going in blindly, right? Once again I enlisted my Mom tribe to weigh in so no one is blindsided by your tot. Hold on to your hats my friends:

They Will Cry For No F-ing Reason

You know that drunk girl that gets all up in her feels when she’s had one too many? It’s irrational. It’s loud, it’s the ugly crying and screaming. In college, you could stick that drunk girl in an uber. When it’s your toddler, you have to deal with it. In those moments, we typically do one of two two things: we try hard to get them to use their words or point to what they need/want. If that doesn’t work, we may do a timeout because oftentimes that helps reset them and get out of their.. stupor. Keyword: often.

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Smiling one moment, full-blown meltdown the next. Their moods swing as quickly as the wind blows.. legit. There are times when they are legitimately laughing with you then will walk over and start wailing. You’ll ask yourself, did I miss something? No reason to try to rationalize in these moments and no your kid isn’t bipolar, just a toddler.

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If you say F*ck, they will say F*ck

At this age, they are learning and developing so much which is awesome, except if you have a bad mouth like yours truly, you have a parrot {or two in my case}. You know that saying ‘kids are like sponges’ or ‘kids say the darndest things’ I used to roll my eyes at that, but I get it now. They are absorbing all the good, bad and less than that you put out there. PS I’m totally f-ed when it comes to the swearing thing… sorry daycare.

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You Will Not Understand Fury Until…

Your kid will say ‘no’, hit, bite, kick, punch, slap you. Holy f-ing go to your zen place. Take deep breaths, your kid is not a monster and this is often their instincts when they get frustrated and don’t know how to express themselves. Eddie and I have a tap-out method, so whenever we have been pushed to the brink, we can tap out – no questions asked – to take a breather. Try it, it helps. Also CBD, wine, a quick vent text, etc.

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They Can Love and Hate Something in 30 Seconds

Do you know what’s f-ing infuriating? When you give your kid something you know they love and they spit it out, then scream for it 30 seconds later. This will happen and just keep reminding them how much they loved it before and to try it again.

You Will Make a Vomit Goblet

Don’t know what I mean? Your kid will spontaneously puke and instinctively you will f-ing catch it like it’s nothing. Like you are wearing a damn baseball mitt, you.will.catch.that.gross.shit. Fact.

Your Purse Will Look Like a 7/11

If you don’t have 3592835 snacks on you, you will learn the hard way. I’ve learned the hard way and it sucked. These very small humans eat way more than most adults I know and man if they ask for a specific snack and you don’t have it? Yikes.

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The Meltdown

It will happen, publicly, unexpectedly and your kid will act like they are semi {or mostly} possessed. This isn’t an isolated event, nor should you think anything terribly ill of your kid, it’s all kids it just – you know – varies in strength. Put your f-the-world blinders on and handle it. Don’t worry about what anyone thinks or who is looking because every parent should empathize or help you. I always jump in and help strangers whenever possible, because you will be them and you will want a helping hand too.

I won’t sit here an wax poetic about my twins – Laurent and Roman – because I know you feel the obsession is real, but I think what is often downplayed is that this period of growth and development is exhaustingly beautiful and tough and terrorizing then beautiful again. It’s okay to yell – I yell {helllo I’m human}. It is okay to breakdown. It’s all normal and we will all feel like we suck at times. Alright, all that to say this. Yes, having a toddler is really f-ing hard, but the moments of joy, where they show you unadulterated, expressions of love, the ‘I lob yous’, the snuggles – all of it is absolutely worth the moments of …other stuff. Those tender moments will help get you through these times and make it worth it.

Did I miss anything?

Till next time,

P

xo

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